Summary: Amidala writes a letter to Anakin after he turns to the Dark Side.
Disclaimer: We all know the great and powerful and VERY rich George
Lucas owns Star Wars and sadly I don't. *sigh*
Notes: This is a letter Amidala writes to Anakin (after he turns).......a letter she's never going to send mind you.......
I don't really know how long it's been since you turned. For all I know
it could only be two months but it feels like two hundred. Life didn't
hold its simple joys for me when you first left. I wouldn't smile, couldn't,
or even think one happy thought. All I could think were terrible, depressing,
While this all sounds so awful, there is one great upside to all of
this. I'm no longer afraid of death, rather I await its call anxiously.
I believe my true Ani, you, the good you died and all that is left is but
a shadow of what you once were. All good people go to heaven, right? Well
then I am certain you await me in heaven. I just hope that I am good enough
to make it there when death calls my name. I used to be so afraid of death
because I would leave you. I never wanted to be away from you for one second.
I would've spent all eternity in hell just to spend one day with you. Not
even a day, just one moment made my life worthwhile.
I had sunken deep into despair. I thought that I may just as well as
been in the fiery pits of hell, their flames engulfing and slowly eating
me away. Almost nothing could bring me out, I feared. Obi-Wan tried, Lord
knows he did try. I pray he isn't to hard on himself. Then again we are
talking about Obi-Wan. The poor boy has had enough hardship in his life
without chastising himself. He can constantly only think of what he did
wrong and how he could have prevented it. He must spend day upon day tormenting
himself with "what ifs".
I know you adored Obi-Wan and he loved you so..................he still
does. I know you were also secretly very jealous of him. You had suspicions
that I eyed him and he me.......even after we were married. Don't be jealous,
Ani. I was attracted to him at first, when he and Qui-Gon swore to protect
me and keep me away from all harm. That was only physical attraction and
could never be like the bond you and I shared though. You and I Ani, we
had something special, something that can never be matched. So please,
please......don't be jealous. I love you and only you.
I fear to tell you what else has been going on in my life. You wouldn't like it. It doesn't sound like the Ami you knew, for she no longer exists. The carefree girl of old that you knew has disappeared. In her place was left a gloomy, depressed aging woman. Things have gotten so bad sometimes that I even seriously contemplated suicide. One time, I actually stood with a blaster cocked to my head, ready to pull the trigger. I couldn't bring myself to do it.......I just couldn't. I knew if you were alive and still with me you would think me crazy and tell me I had so much to live for. That's why I wouldn't and won't do it Ani, you wouldn't want me to.
Oh, I love you so very much. Maybe even more than you will ever know. I still wear the japor snippet you gave me so many years ago. I wear it day in and day out. It is a sad reminder to me of happy moments long gone.......when you were still.....you. I often will go to the corner of my mind and simply imerse myself in the memories.
Well Ani, I also have wonderful news. I am pregnant!! Me! I know the children will be beautiful because they'll look like you my love. "Children?!," you may ask. That's right! Two!! I have two beautiful children inside of me! I know this because Obi-Wan told me he can hear both their tiny hearts beat. ........Obi-Wan is crushed Ani, crushed. He wants to win you back so badly. He truly does.......as do I. Here I am babbling again........
Well love, I suppose this is goodbye, but don't worry we'll see each other again. When my time comes and death will whisk me away I know you will be waiting for me. I hope I can make it to heaven, I hope I can be at least as half as good as you were. Then Ani, it will just be you and me. You and me...........forever..........
For all eternity.......,